Learning to Live Again, Emotional Detox is my statement today. On the first FULL Day of Spring and on the waning side of the 2019 March Full Worm Moon.
It is finally spring and I am drudging through, yet one more big detoxification in my life, hands down, post… one of the HARDEST winters known to my physical person, since the day I was born. Just sayin’ and I have been a bit under the weather the last three days.
You see, as I sit on the top of this Spring thaw, with a nose full of goober and a belly not much different, I send so much love and light the inner workings of my World, and the circle of people there of, for being sooooo supportive and understanding and committed to staying connected with me while I mourned the death of my marriage.
Yet somehow, I managed to stay strong enough to celebrate the new possibilities of what my life could be with friends and family that did support me and stayed close to me in this trial, and, in spite of my acute sense of great emotional pain. I had to let go of something that was indeed so precious to me (and at one time, it WAS a precious thing to be Mrs. Holly Goodyear), but that is no longer so AND, at this very moment in time, I regret none of it. Not now, not then and I will not regret it tomorrow. I do not regret the last 16 years of my life in spite of ALL the misunderstandings, hurts, mis-communications and well, broken things that could not be fixed after whatever “Thing” happened to my once was, home. I will ONLY spend time in thoughts on the good times, the fun times and the best times we had and seal this coffin of death with a salute for the experience and a greater commitment to the lessons I learned while fighting my way through what seemed in my life to be sheer madness.
At this point in time, Edward and I have spoken, released each other to the wind, and he has returned home. I am happy that he is able to do this. This is something HE always wanted and now, is. May we ALL send positive light and blessing to him and I release all hurt and anger, to the wind to be healed and sealed, so mote it be. Which brings me to…….
As a part of my lesson and journey, I am committed to continue on with something so clear as emotional and also, physical detoxification.
The one clear objective I have as a Licensed Massage Therapist, Yoga Teacher and Reiki Teacher is to teach people how REAL and IMPORTANT it is to take notice of your life, your body, your heart, your mind and your spiritual health and detox when needed. Can I not get any louder here? We have to detox our lives now! It is so necessary for our integrative health and wellness practices that we do this from time to time.
When people do things to themselves such as binge eat, or starve themselves, or stay in a relationship well past it’s expiration date, or use drugs, or alcohol or abuse ourselves or others, most each and every time, there is some form of elemental pain going in the body or the mind. We need to identify the triggers.
My research clearly shows that the mind, body, emotional connection is critical to the health and wellness of the human being. My dear reader, here me when I say, much of the information given to me a few years ago, came before the egg.
Meaning, God opened my eyes and my heart and as a healing touch provider, gave me the opportunity to experience my own path of healing and then allowed me to turn right around and use what meant to be for my destruction (aka say some religious folks) and, turn it around for good. “FOR GOOD.”
It is the open-minded person who is willing to ask the question, “Is this cake really good for me? Is this heroine really good for me? Is this man or woman really good for me? Are my thoughts and my objectives to serve, really good for me? Am I doing things for me that ARE, really good for me?”
If the answer is no to ANY of these questions, then you may be in serious need of some sort of Emotional Detox. Well, how do we do that?
First we admit there is some form of parasitic malformation encroaching on our highest best. Damn, we have to do what is in our HIGHEST Best in order to be well? Yes, you do.
You have to admit, FIRST, where YOU are making the mistakes in the process. Now, you do not necessarily have to fix them all at once, but just notice what you notice.
Are you eating in the middle of the night? Are you sticking your finger down your throat when you do?
Are you hiding money from your spouse or maybe, not money but clothes that you purchased on credit and yet, feared to show them your glorious bargain because you really did not need that item in the first place. So you hide it. And pull it out later, and say, “No, it’s not new.” Liar.
Are you having inappropriate thoughts about anyone? Mother, Spouse, Child, Co-Worker, Landlord, BEST FRIENDS, Neighbors?
Is there anything in your life that warrants improvement?
Well, for me, the answer is YES!
I can improve on the quality of control I have over my statements on social media, my anger, my pain, my body, my mind, my spirit, etc.
I can improve the quality of control need to feel as if I need to fix manage and control everything and everyone else’s lives, even when is it uncontrollable. (You know, like high-level politics and “ah’hem” certain forms of bureaucratic bullshit. Or wishing that each day our grown children to adorn you with great words of wisdom on how well you did as a parent or anything you did for them really…..and….Oops…..well, I tried my best right?. No regrets right?
Right, that is what we have to remember. The control is subject to the controller. We did our best right? No perfect but our best. Let it be………..
So….. what do I NOW have control over amongst all this rubble?
I can improve on my emotional eating and my self-destructive behaviors when someone else wants something I clearly do no want to be a part of be it work, marriage, dating or parenting.
I can improve my thoughts about my body, my person and my health because……
When I worry, I eat. When I am tired, I eat. When I am excited. I eat. Food is medicine isn’t it Holly? 🙂
Today, I realized more than anything, that crying and eating behind closed doors in such toxic emotional pain, hurt me in many ways, even when I would work out, or do yoga or head to work the next day, and wonder if anyone noticed the swelling in my eyes, because the inflammation was growing and building in my heart, my mind and my digestive tract, of which caused an 8 pound weight gain in about 5 working days. Yup, I binged OUT quite a few times since New Year’s Day!
But I stopped, I reached for help, I shared some of my pain with my coaching group, then I sought out therapy and now, I am on day two of a juice fast and an intermittent fasting and serious personal prayer mission.
Last Sunday, I decided to go to church. Alone. It was indeed and insightful time. 🙂
How many metaphysical and science minded persons have been harshly judged based on their multi-faceted explanations of the paranormal? Well, I know at least ONE. (You are looking at her.) But I was brave and I went back in and I found a church that does not try to control you, but love you where you are.
It was not easy to make my way back into a organized unity storehouse because of some of the emotional things that I had to go through back in “the day” when it came to who held the power of control and how that control was being used to drive the family unit to stay tight in the pew and be subject to listen to some of the hate speech that comes from the pulpit in order to scare someone into submission.
Those past church going experiences truly affected the mental health of my home for years, and not just in one marriage, but also in two. (And yes, I still love my second husband as much as I love the third one. And my love for my first husband (even as 17 year old CHILD) is all coextending now based on my affirm definition of Love.
But Religion and Money seemed to be the two things none of us could ever agree on. (Well, two and three….marriage number one was a quick one so I am not sure what happened but I did get an amazing daughter from it so, no harm no foul….) But in my adult marriages, these root chakra issues were not dealth with in a healthy way and they say, a house divided cannot stand.
So now I have to relearn how to Love again, learn to love my body and not binge eat, and learn to find my own belief again in spirit and in truth.
What I know is this.
Love does not harm. Love forgives even when one is wronged. Love forgives when you have wronged someone else. Love transmutes sinful nature and Love will indeed be left behind in the aftermath long after the cowboy has left for the hills. Love does not fail and is not subject to hate, or control or ridicule or our own, self-explosive fits of rage to get our way.
Love can be a channel for healing and learning and growing and exploring and sensing and nurturing and empowering and equaling the playing field of LIFE.
Love is living and breathing in our connective tissue and Love wants us to come up higher. Love is Pink Heart Chakra Christ Consciousness.
Love is the only way to clear the rubble once you have begun to detox. Especially, if it is emotional cellular deep tissue double axis rib containing a shit ton of psoas trauma life event PTSD deep emotional pain. And, how do you heal that?
It starts with self-love.
So, while I have been a bit quiet lately on my blog and diary, it has not been that I have had nothing to say, it has been that I have been a “Jeckel and Hyde” when it comes to my painful experience of letting go after all these years. What a traumatic experience for us both.
And I am thankful for those who were there to catch me, friends, family and even my Ex. He and I have uncovered a lot of our past demons that we were willing to talk about and in ways that no one would believe. 🙂 What a cool person he is to give me such grace as I cried about my present pain with number three….. Most Ex-Ex’s would say go “F” yourself. 🙂 He did not. He became one of my best “new” male friends, again.
And right now we both agree, that domestication is indeed NOT the answer we need for our divine friendship and companionship to last, we are both happy about our newly invented friendship and we talk about everything.
Even my upcoming real and authentic date with an 80 year old man, who is COMPLETELY harmless by the way, and was placed in my path at the Social Security administrative office by God….. (For the record, old people are really cool and we should listen to what they have to say before their knowledge is gone.) And when you ask God for a lifeboat and he sends you a lifeboat within one hour of your prayers, you go with it. Gene. His name is Gene. We shall see what that looks like. (All in fun!)
P.S. (I was praying that day about “My upcoming personal work I will call my M & M Experience”)……How to Respect the Hell Out of Men and Money. Find a healthy relationship with Men and not be married to them nor enable them nor control them. But Respect them and require the same for yourself. Oh yeah baby! There came Gene. Asked me for my number, told me he could teach me the stock market and I knew it was God pulling on my leg to say, “Here you go Holly.” Are you going to take a chance on something greater than you? Yup. I can’t wait! LOL!!
So, I want to publicly thank Dwane for hearing me cry about my empty nest syndrome, and that more-so includes my worry over the adult children and how we both we share deep prayers for their well-being and health and know they too, have suffered much being children of divorced parents and it shows. I see their pain from the outcomes but all of them are TOUGH AND TENACIOUS! They are all four amazing creatures! Let us all live in love and forgive each other so we can all Emotionally Detox, right babe?
I think for all of us personally involved is critical that we find new ways of healing so exclusivity for me right now is not an option but having a great friendship and love for someone I used to love is just neat as hell.
I have to get out of my head that I am anyone’s wife and I no longer, parent small children of which I get to control………Nope. I am just me now, supporting my two cats and me and baby, it’s on!
I have committed to myself to go out and live life, and smell the roses and buy myself roses and write poetry and develop a new standard for my practice (The Reiki Station LLC) and let things flow as smoothly as they can.
Being self employed and now single, is indeed a challenge for anyone, much less this passionate and forward thinking broad who wants to expand the practice into a complete mind body wellness practice……. I have to refocus and rebuild and it starts one day at a time.
For my clients, they know…….
I never vowed to be any different than them and what I am working on in my own practice and today, what I am vowing to now, is that I will Love myself first, and if the emotions of what I am doing each day do not feel good to my body, I will not engage. THIS IS WHAT I TEACH TO MY CLIENTS. Teacher is always the student when it comes to these things…….we need each other. They love to come and get massages and learn and grow just as much as I do. I guess that is why I am so busy. Praise God for that much right????
March 2019 Spring is the season to allow the worms to come up from the ground so the birds can feast and feed their babies. (and a Full Worm Moon will draw the parasitic malformations right out of your gut and such….) This is why I have been on rest for two days and received a much needed seasonal acupuncture treatment and deep tissue massage today, in order to shut off my CNS from thinking too much and allowing my bowels to move properly due to too much constriction on the connective tissues that systemically move the shit along in our body. (and allow us to move on energetically when we DO NOT WANT TO LET GO!) My body completely followed suite the last two winters and everything that I asked for came to pass. It hurt like hell and I had no idea is was going to be SUCH a grand purger but there it was. Dump station stage left!
Now is the time for us humans, to let go of things that have kept us dead and dry and cold and damp under the Earth and learn how to grow and blossom and become new again. If your worms are crawling up or crawling out you better listen to OUR mother nature’s cry….. It is only because she knows best and it is time to feed the babies that need the nourishment the most. (Parable here……)
With this new Spring, 2019, I am legally proud to become Ms. Holly Elaine King and I am on an emotional detox to never feel beneath or above or outside of my relationships again. I can now freely speak my truth and become exactly what God has called me to be. Happy with Myself. No… matter… what. 🙂